My son is babbling. But he’s a baby, people, give him a break. Get off his case.
He babbles because he is learning his words. Seriously. Learning his words. There are a set of words I have given him and they are his and no one else is allowed to use them. They are secret. Later, in an emergency, I will say, “Son, use your words,” and he will say, “Yes, father. I will do this thing.”
OK, that sort of got out of hand. Actually, he is a baby who is learning to talk. That other stuff I said was just to make it more interesting. But what is mildly interesting to me, and other balding men like me, are inquiries into why we assign certain animal sounds to certain animals. For instance, I was instructing my babbling son a few moments ago that dogs go “bow-wow.” Do they? Am I starting off communication with a lie? Man, the post-modernists would love that. “Language is just a power-grabbing form of imperialism and no, mom, I will not get a job, or move out.”
Sure, some dogs say bow-wow, or something like it. Not all dogs, or even very many I have heard speak, say “bow-wow.” Some people say “woot.” Certainly all people do not say “woot.”
In fact, I would argue against this practice where people, especially men, say “woot.” I mean, simply typing “woot” makes me feel icky. Typing “woot” with over-used “scare quotes” only “barely” takes the “edge” off.
When I see “woot” written on Twitter I immediately think the following. If that isn’t attached onto the end of “Our elementary girls kickball team just won the tournament…” then I am telling you right now that I sit in judgment of you.
If you are a man and you add an exclamation point (grrrr….“woot!”) then I think it becomes grounds for dueling.
Please men, stop using this word, “woot.” I beg you. And if you add multiple…stay calm, Sam…if you add multiple exclamation points, then I think this can only be answered by a clear, decisive declaration of war. I don’t care what whatshisname said on that album about peace and love and not killing bad guys.
Let me carry on by saying clearly that I don’t know what “woot” means.
Call me ignorant if you want, because that is what you call some one who literally doesn’t know what he is talking about.
Am I open to the charge of ignorance? I think I define it.
So how do I come to the conclusion I do that men should never say “woot?”
Call it “a certain sense of what I feel is, like, right in the world, like, okay?” In other words, the criteria of judgement that might get you appointed to the Supreme Court.
To sum this up, allow me to provide an acrimonious acronym to discourage further use of the word, “Woot.” W- worst. O -option. O -of. T -terminology.
Think of this the next time you want to say “Woot!” And remember that some guy no one has ever heard of in West Virginia does not approve of what you’re doing.
And live. With. That.
If you can.