UPDATE: Everything sad is coming untrue. Victory!
Tonight, the Mordor Heat and their hero (3 out of 4 quarters) LeBron James face off against everyone in the world’s favorite basketball team right now, the Dallas Schadenfreudes. They are battling for what? The Ring. We want to experience schadenfreude and we need this very tall, sharp-shooting Germanumenorian named Dirk Aragorninzki to help us feel it.
Above: Official M. Heat Logo
Don’t let us down, Mavs. We all love you and are counting on you.
Meanwhile, here’s a clear-thinking German if ever I heard one.
And here’s an accurate map of Mordor which my friend Aaron Winnell made. He reports that he’s been to Miami Beach and “it’s crawling with orcs, easterlings, and LeBron Jameses.”
Sure, this was for those literate, linguistic sports fans. (A trick to really eliminate most people from reading it. But, as Shakespeare and Virgil agree, “That would, like, be a mega-huge mistake.”)