Men United for the Protection of Eyes Against Beard Barbs

This is the last straw. I take my last sip of this last straw and am officially fed up (good meal) and am ready to rail against the problem of beard-shards-in-eye syndrome.

We’ve all had it happen, and it happened to me again today. I was trimming down my Al-Qaeda/wizard beard back to societal norms when a shard from this beard struck me in the eye-ball area of my ocular cavity. It hurts, Mister President. It hurts.

We can no longer stand on the sidelines and let history remember us as the people who failed to act. The Government must fix this.

I am calling on The Government to find a solution. We need:

  1. Warning labels on beard-trimmers and on beards.
  2. And eyes.
  3. An agency dedicated to keeping my eyes safe from my beard when I’m trimming it.
  4. A blue-ribbon panel to do research and make recommendations to The Government.
  5. An oversight committee to oversee the blue-ribbon panel making recommendations to the agency.
  6. Training provided by The Government to people on how to trim their beards without the shards flying into their eyes.
  7. Lawyers to sue every company that has made beard-trimmers. What’s John Edwards doing?
  8. A pair of safety glasses issued to each thirteen-year-old boy in the nation.

It is time to act. Let not history not not say that we did not fail to fail to act. Act, do not not act.


  1. That Lars fellow is probably one of those Tea Party kooks. He reckons he is independent and self-reliant-probably even believes in states rights and other Constitutional stuff. As a beard wearing tax payer, I demand that my government nurse me on this. I am a senior citizen and I deserve the government tit.

  2. Haha! This is an especially important post, Sam, since I am planning on trimming my beard tomorrow. I will post-haste complain to said govt. if beard shards fly in my eye. Isn’t there a scripture about this? Hmmm….

  3. I will now boycott your blog since you have posted content that has nothing to do with me. How dare you not figure out what my special interest group is and cater to that!

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