This is the last straw. I take my last sip of this last straw and am officially fed up (good meal) and am ready to rail against the problem of beard-shards-in-eye syndrome.
We’ve all had it happen, and it happened to me again today. I was trimming down my Al-Qaeda/wizard beard back to societal norms when a shard from this beard struck me in the eye-ball area of my ocular cavity. It hurts, Mister President. It hurts.
We can no longer stand on the sidelines and let history remember us as the people who failed to act. The Government must fix this.
I am calling on The Government to find a solution. We need:
- Warning labels on beard-trimmers and on beards.
- And eyes.
- An agency dedicated to keeping my eyes safe from my beard when I’m trimming it.
- A blue-ribbon panel to do research and make recommendations to The Government.
- An oversight committee to oversee the blue-ribbon panel making recommendations to the agency.
- Training provided by The Government to people on how to trim their beards without the shards flying into their eyes.
- Lawyers to sue every company that has made beard-trimmers. What’s John Edwards doing?
- A pair of safety glasses issued to each thirteen-year-old boy in the nation.
It is time to act. Let not history not not say that we did not fail to fail to act. Act, do not not act.