The Ice, Ice Baby Catechism

Since there’s an epidemic of DIY spirituality among us (“You say that like it’s a bad thing!”), I began to consider the logical, progressive consequences. This led me to the inevitability of…people basing their religion on Vanilla Ice. The three main tenants of the faith would be Stopping, Collaborating, and Listening. But we must go deeper. Here’s The Ice, Ice Baby Catechism, with commentary.


The Ice, Ice Baby Catechism

Q: Will it ever stop?
A: Yo, I don’t know.

This religion is very humble. If you’re looking for arrogant certainty, look elsewhere.

Q: What happens if you turn off the lights?
A: Vanilla Ice will glow.

Miracles? Check.

Q: What happens if there was a problem.
A: Vanilla Ice will solve it.

OK, about that certainty thing. We are an evolving religion. Complicated, interesting.

Q: What should people do while his DJ revolves it?
A: Check out the hook.

Maybe it’s a Shepherd’s hook and he wants to save you from bad music.

Q: What is anything less than the best?
A: A felony.

We have discipline in this church.

Q: How is Ice killin’ your brain?
A: Like a poisonous mushroom.

Safe? Safe? Vanilla Ice isn’t safe. But he’s fresh. He’s the rapper, I tell you.

Pray that funky music, white boy. This religion is here to stay. It’s a wonder that will hit you at least once.

As the prophet hath said, “Love it, or leave it, you better gang way.”

wat h forvanilla-ice

One Comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.