My name is Sam Smith and I approve of the Dad Tax.
Listen, some people say it’s not fair to “steal” candy your child received on Halloween and redistribute it to your mouth, but I strenuously object. My reasons are below.
1. The Dad Tax is fair because of TV and Vending Machines. Do American kids need to eat more sugary foods? I saw concerned-looking scolds on TV say that it was bad. There were images of fat kids and vending machines in schools. Vending machines!
2. The Dad Tax is fair because of Supply and Demand. I’m the guy who drove them and walked them around in the freezing cold. I urged them to say those things that elicit a generous response: “Trick or treat” and “Thank you,” and other Close The Deal kind of language. I need some remuneration for my work. Also, (A) I’m in charge of these kids, (B) there is a supply of candy, (C) I demand some of it. Ergo ipso facto habanero.
3. The Dad Tax is fair because all dads do it. Well, almost every dad does this except those poor saps who are either on some snobby diet, or have some moral concerns. Ecclesiastes 7:16, dude. But almost all dads do it and we should. We are the 99%.
Finally, high-fructose corn-syrup is delicious.
Please support the Dad Tax. A Sam Smith administration will always make keeping the Dad Tax a top priority.
Pictured: The wealthy.